And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon
- Pink Floyd
Have you ever had someone write you a single-word response over text then immediately assume that they must be livid at you? I go through this exercise probably around four to five times a day. Each time it takes a few minutes before I see the situation for the thought trap it is.
I came across the notion of thought traps while in the “Fire and Rain” ward (my euphemism for the location where I spent my longer and more significant of two inpatient hospitalizations back in the late 2010s). Thought traps are, generally speaking, the opposite of what is referred to in psychology as mentalization, which is just a fancy way of saying “putting yourself in another’s position.” I’ve also heard it referred to as “seeing others from the inside, and seeing yourself from the outside,” which is a sort of fun, existential definition that I of course love, even if it sometimes confuses me.
Thoughts traps seem to occur when the mind is in a non-mentalizing mode, a state that can occur in anyone when their mentalization capacity goes offline—likely due to encountering a trigger or trauma. Generally one wants to increase mentalization (putting yourself in others’ shoes is a good thing), but even for the most mentally dextrous of us (which I’m definitely not saying I am) there are instances when our ability to mentalize is thwarted, and thought traps inevitably creep in. Here are five examples of thought traps that I borrowed from Benonica’s substack (benonica.substack.com):
Arbitrary Inference is when we assume someone’s emotional context with no proof (the one-worded text message). “All they wrote was ‘Ok’—they must HATE me!” It’s a common conclusion to jump to (I do it all the time), when the truth of the matter is usually far more innocuous. The recommendation seems to be to avoid making these assumption. Assume your agency, and gather the necessary information before making a snap judgment.
Overgeneralization, or turning one or two incidents into an all-encompassing truth. It’s easy to turn a critique by one reader, viewer, experiencer, into a scathing indictment about one’s character. My experience of this has been mostly in what I call “gatekeeper” syndrome, which is when a person in a position of authority berates or belittles you into making a difference in your choices. I can’t tell you how long I spent listening to these stinkers until I realized that I was in charge after all. Avoid “always” and never”—unless you are talking about change and growth.
Catastrophizing is the mental horror show that keeps you from experience the joy and love in the actual moment. I don’t do too much of this, but I used to, and I know at least one person who does it to Olympic standards. I feel like the best way to describe how to escape this thinking was summed up in an early episode of The A-Team, to wit:
AMY: So now what do we do? How do we get out of here?
HANNIBAL: Well, first off, we may not. We could die right here. Accept that. Anything else is just very good luck. Figure you're dead. Can you do that?
Hannibal’s approach is a bit morbid, I realize, and on its surface it seems like actual catastrophizing. But what stops us from enjoying life is not the knowledge that something awful might happen, but the worrying about it. In this case, the methodology of the man who famously “loves it when a plan comes together” is one I often adopt for myself: *accept* the worst thing that could happen, then get up and keep living.
Absolutist Thinking is the black-and-white trap. It hates the middle ground that much if not all of life is settled in. If you don’t do well on a presentation: you’re a complete abject failure. I find that dialectics is a useful tool for this thought trap, being able to accept and live with the disappointments and setbacks, many of which are necessary along the path of life, while celebrating the joy and dynamism that is one’s life experience.
Mental Filtering, or the distant cousin of overgeneralization. It’s all too easy to filter out the positive and become marred in what you assume and perceive to be your many flaws. There is usually a bigger picture here, a larger truth that defines who you are, not just one incident or one happenstance. I like to personally use ACT with this thought trap, using contextual “addition” to mollify the otherwise overactive negative mind that mental filtering can create. Consider a bendy tree root. It’s weird looking, you think. However, when you add context to this, the whole tree, the roots next to it, the stone path, etc., it reveals a bigger canvas upon which your experience is drawn.
So what do we do, when faced with these traps? I’ve shared some of my techniques and tricks, but I have to suspect everyone has their own way of dealing with them. If I were to recommend some general ideas for skills practice, they might be: 1) Notice—notice when you start spiraling, try not to judge, just say “I see you.” 2) Agency and gathering evidence is key. Knowing that you have the power to change your situation, and knowing that one thing you can always do (my wife is a CHAMPION at this) is get more information to edify your understanding. And finally, 3) work to reframe the thought, turning things like “always fail” or “never succeed” into their more nuanced, more accurate counterparts, even as simple as “sometimes things work, and sometimes they don’t.”
Thought traps are powerful, but they are easily defeated by the mentally dextrous, the flexible, the curious, and the inquisitive. Luckily, you have all these abilities, inherently, and in spades. All humans do. So step into the practice of mentalization and reclaim the agency in your life. Remember, the power to reframe your thoughts is yours to harness. You’ve got this.
Travel safe and talk soon.
-AF
Quote source: Brain Damage (Roger Waters) by Pink Floyd
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