Dear friend,

Thank you for your words of support. I have to admit it has been very difficult. The rapid-cycling in and out of depression has taken a toll on all of us; we are tired and emotionally very drained. But we are making it happen. And my commitment has not changed. Still it is my mission to bring as much light into the world as I possibly can, and I cannot stop, I will not stop, merely because of this. I am doubling down, as it were. Only now, perhaps, might I finally be willing to allow the fullness of my Being to be part of this process: not just the positive intentions and creative breakthroughs, but the shadow moments, the angry moments, the pain and the darkness as well. And maybe there is some benefit in that, maybe not. But it seems to be where I am being asked to go. 

With regards to the condition, yes, there is a little part of me that feels that maybe I allowed myself to be broken. It's funny that, even in this circumstance, I put it on myself to shoulder the "blame". This I believe to be a mental habit that is very destructive and one I wish to release. I think I developed this mental habit at a young age both so as to protect the image I had in my head of my parents, and also in a way to protect myself from really dealing with some of the difficult things that I experienced. I will need to learn to accept and love myself. It will take time and forgiveness to do so. Hence the need for some time and space to pray and heal and cry and do whatever I need to do to make this transition from the me I was to the me I am.

There is a book called "I Am a Loveable Me". It is a children's book that I came across sitting, of all places, in a doctor's waiting room. I find that whenever I read the title, to those words there is a strong emotion reaction, and I cry a little. I don't know exactly why, though I suppose maybe it's not much of a stretch to figure out. There is a kind of mystery I experience, perhaps you do too, about what it means to understand oneself as loveable. I hope to unravel it one day, to understand what it means to feel this, to be sure of it, deep inside. In any case, it seems a good book for helping teaching kids positive affirmations. I would recommend it, for the adorable pictures alone, to anyone who has children, or, for that matter, anyone who has ever been a child, which is everyone, so, I suppose, well... buy the damned book! :) 

You mentioned family. I have recently come to know of the word "ubuntu", which roughly translated means "humanity towards others". I wish to participate in the creation of a new concept of family, of community, one liberated from manipulations and obligations and other such contrivances, and one instead based upon a type of open-hearted and empowered love and support that I see so clearly in my mind's eye, and that I believe you see as well. That is maybe why in the past you and I have always been a bit weird, a bit off-kilter, a bit different from the mainstream. I had a dream a week ago where I was a little kid again, learning to ride a bike, terrified, and all my childhood TV-heroes--Phineas Bogg, MacGyver, you know the crew--were cheering me on, helping me to keep steady and stay on my path. You’re probably one of the few people who will get how fucking cool that is. And maybe one day the stars will collide and we’ll work together to bring awesome stories to life, like the ones we watched as kids that brought us inspiration to change and make something new, the way we have, out of our lives.  

I'm continuing to work on this mission even through all this challenge. I'm not going to lie: it's often pretty rough. I really don't like the person I am right now. The violent and painful imagery in my mind is quite disturbing, and the some of the worse parts are the days I cannot control it and I end up banging my fists against the walls, or smashing plates and stuff. Other days, like yesterday, I stay up late, and cry through the night, for no reason I can understand. It's a long journey I think. This week I have an appointment to get some scripts, probably for some form of lithium. I'm scared as hell. I have nightmares that it will shut down my creativity, take away what is my essential self, perhaps leave me stable, but also lobotomized and dull. E has stated her commitment to making sure that doesn't happen, which gives me some relief.

Whatever the weather, the mission does not stop. I cannot forgo this. I cannot and will not stop, so long as I have breath in my lungs and there is light to be brought into the world. 

With much gratitude for your love and support.

-AF    

... for the me i might become ....